zvrn

Drop your OCs or any character of your choice, and I’ll pick which one to draw.

I was gone for years and though I don’t know if I will ever be back, an old friend of mine just gave me a genuine push on the back to try and pick up my tools.

I want to try and fight whatever illness is hindering from art by giving out free sketches as a start.

I know I’ve lost all my followers here but I will wait for any request, whether it’s from an old friend from here or just a visitor.

Please help me draw again. 😔

<sub>Update (6/15/20): I've managed to draw 9 characters today, I'll be uploading them in sketch dump style once I managed to fill up another sheet from my sketch book. And I forgot to mention that it will be a pencil headshot-half body sketch so I hope you guys won't be disappointed, they will be just quick sketches to warm myself up. I hope I can continue with this phase, in the next few weeks.

I won't be closing this Free Sketch Request until I feel a little bit comfortable enough with drawing.

Thank you for those leaving requests and sweet messages! I really appreciate it.</sub>

Update (6/18/20): I've sketched 9 more characters. Rest assured, everyone who placed a request would be given a sketch of at least 1 character. I will upload them once I've finished at least 25 requests. <3 You can share this with your friends if you want, but I am not sure myself if I could still continue drawing everyone's request after the first 25. I will be returning to my job in a normal schedule next week despite the pandemic, but I will try my best to give some time to draw.

Lastly, thank you for asking me to draw your characters even after knowing that I am no good at keeping a phase. I enjoy drawing them a lot, it kinda feels the same way as it did almost 5 years ago. So, thank you.

Update (6/19/20): I've sketched 20 characters and has 5 more characters pending, that's why I'm closing the request. Thank you so much for suggesting characters, I am a bit busy with renovating the room I share with my sis, and my job as well, but I hope I can finish and upload them soon.

Update (6/22/20): I’m still finishing up the rest of the sketches but I’ve uploaded a quick preview of every sketch I’ve done. I’m currently struggling with the furry character, have always been bad at drawing animals, but this is still a pleasant challenge. You may check the quick preview at my instagram account @jeeeztin, www.instagram.com/p/CBtC0y6FBG…
I am still hella busy with life, but I am managing to sketch for a few minutes while waiting for my shuttle service to arrive or a few minutes before I go to sleep. I practically draw on bed and set my tools aside when I am sleepy enough. Thank you for your requests! I hope to open them again soon when I’m finished with this batch. Then maybe I can try and pick up my digital tools next.
I am also still not mentally prepared to respond to comments and notes so I am sorry if I am delaying them.

Update (6/27/2020): Please check the finished sketches at fav.me/de05gyi Thank you!

Endless Apologies

I am not sure if I could start this with a 'hi' or a 'hello', because I think I no longer had to right to greet you so casually like that considering that I was gone for around 2-3 years with all these liabilities. Even so, I am truly grateful for everyone who have been so kind, understanding and patient with me even now.

More importantly, I know you guys might not accept any apologies from someone like me, but please know that there was never a day that I didn't think of how irresponsible I was becoming and had become, and I am deeply sorry for dragging you all guys down with me and disappointing all of you.

I would like to let you know that I recently got my laptop repaired, and though it's not flawless (it has never been) it is now working. Even so, for the last years that I was gone, I couldn't take art as seriously as before, in fact, just engaging myself with it just sends me deeper into my anxiety and self-hatred. I've tried to fight hard by creating some quick sketches but I just couldn't return to that zone. Even doodles at the side of my worksheets and notebooks has not existed in years. I sunk deeper and deeper into this as I pressure myself, and has called it quits. I decided that I would officially quit.

I honestly planned to update you guys much earlier, so many times I tried to do it but I could never muster up the courage. I get chills, and literally lose focus at work , get erratic palpitations and headaches, everytime I remember how much I've let you all guys down and for being gone without any word for all the money and commissions that I owe you.

I probably sound that I am just making excuses, but I am not asking you to completely forgive me (though that would be greatly appreciated) or accepting me or my 'excuses' as others might put it, because that's something I cannot force you to do. I just want to let you know everything that has happened. This is something that I know I owe you as well. 

This week, I was given all that push that I need to post this. I made a small breakthrough and actually finish an artwork (and I struggled with it more than I struggled with a more complicated piece before), I can say that I finally enjoyed drawing something once in these past few years. And though I don't think I can face everything with a hard face and a much harder resolve, I would really want to fix everything with all that I have, how little it may be.

I am really very sorry for making you read this, I am so sorry for disappointing you and doing these to you. You didn't and don't deserve these at all. I would whole-heartedly accept all words you would throw at me, be it of hatred or another. I am so truly sorry for everything.

REFUNDS and OTHERS:

I haven't read the notes yet, it still honestly makes me quiver in anxiety but I'll go through it little by little. I would just like to humbly ask for and greatly appreciate a bit more of your patience and considerations.

I hope you guys could give me a month or two. I am expecting to get my Christmas bonus, and I plan to use that money to refund all the money I owe you. I know I am in no position to be making this arrangement but that's the only way I can refund you the money. And I am completely aware that it was very irresponsible of me to have done all these to you. I would again like to deeply apologize for that.

To my dear commissioners that I owe sketches from, who would like to take the risk of trusting me again, and would like to pursue getting an art from me instead, I can offer you an upgrade from sketches to digital art. I cannot promise the style but I would try my hardest to give you a fully colored piece.

I would prefer to be contacted through my email at zvrn.art@gmail.com.

To everyone, to my friends and trusts that I may have lost, to the deviants who have stuck with me then and even now, I am so sorry for letting you all down, and you have all my deepest gratitude. 

-zvrn (jhustinian)

Okay you guys, you can now throw your tomatoes at me. I am prepared.

I think I'm tired of apologizing to you guys...and I understand if you'll never forgive me for going MIA again on you, especially when I have commissions on line. /sobs/

I went through some horrible emotional block...and even gave up the thought of drawing anything at all. When I started to report to my new job, I didn't bring any pencil and sketch book at all. And that means a lot to me. My pencil cases and sketch pads were kept in my cabinet, left to collect dusts. I accepted my fate that I won't become an artist I wanted to be, the person I wanted to be. I think the demise of my laptop crushed what little hope I have to be an artist. I've already been going through a rough patch that time, I gave up on my job as an accountant, I was scared of my family thinking what a useless person I am for doing so. I want to study art so bad but I can't because I don't have funds. I want a steady job with good compensation so I could maybe, save enough to get into art schools. But I am terrified of time, eating away opportunities for growth. My art isn't improving at all, and I keep disappointing myself for delaying commissions and not liking any of my works. I keep hating and loving the same thing. It is terrible. When I started drawing again late last year, I was only able to return here because I joined a particular website to maybe recuperate my battered and beaten soul. I've only participated once and I guess it helped temporarily, I was indeed able to draw again and deluded myself into believing I fell in love with art; that I love myself. But just a small trial and I plummeted back to my personal hell.

I probably sound like I was overreacting, that I'm too simple-minded to be this lonely about my laptop or something, but I would like to believe that it was just a small trigger. Truth is, it felt like art and being an artist was not for me anymore. 'Cause just when I was about to draw again, my platform crumbled on me. I got a job offer, and though I wanted it before I wasn't so sure about what path to take anymore. I thought those were signs telling me to give up, stop picking up your tools, you're not meant for it. And I got swayed. I left.

This week marked my 3rd month in my new job. It isn't related to my degree. But I like its noble advocacy (for as much noble it can be in a corrupt country). I am sure I cannot get back to the life I used to have in deviantart. But I want you to know, whoever is reading this, that reading those little comments, finding notes of someone checking up on my well-being is helping me a lot to recovery. Because in a family wherein you'll be mocked  for being in pain emotionally, hearing your supportive words is refreshing and healing. I couldn't thank you enough. (I already feel like crying, lol.)

I am sorry for only returning today, I am ashamed, and I don't know how to face you guys. Virtually or not. I might get flames here, or I might receive your tight hugs and kisses, and I'll embrace them with all my heart. However, I might not be able to respond to them properly, 'cause I'm awkward and I don't really know how.

I have posted this risking that my relatives could just go visit this and shit might hit the fan, but that's a problem for another day. (I'm procrastinating again). It just felt good letting it out, it might not be all but at least something got off my chest. My struggles might to be little compared to others and still I AM VERY SORRY FOR EVERYTHING AND ESPECIALLY FOR PUTTING MYSELF LIKE THIS. One day I'll able to forgive myself too. I'll cross my fingers to that.

I am sorry for putting something like this in my journal, I know some deviants see this as place for sharing and updating stuffs only related to arts, but I must properly let  those who might have been worrying or thinking about me know what I went through.

Several weeks ago, my other sister won't stop teasing me good naturedly that I am committing sins to God, and I shouldn't. He had given me the talent to draw, and I must use it, cultivate and explore it. Draw! My sister told me. Both of us are not that religious but that really knocked some sense into me, so I tried. I will try, for you and especially for myself (because we all are gifts, and we deserve to treated as something precious). 

If you have read and reached through here, you have my deepest gratitude. 


Justine

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To see art updates, please visit my FB page or my Instagram account, you don't have to like/follow it if you don't want to. But if you are a commissioner, I would suggest you do, 'cause I post my commission updates/ art WIPs there.

FB: www.facebook.com/heyzvrn/
IG: jeeeztin (I'm a newbie there so I don't know how to properly share my account)